Tell me what u rly mean
by Brian LeMeur
It is Friday night; Matt and Nicole hooked up last Saturday and haven’t spoken since.
MATT 6:19 PM
hey nicole u doing anything tonight?
(Hey Nicole, it was so nice to make out with you last Saturday night on our way back from getting Taquitos. I’m sure we had great conversation but, alas, I don’t recall any of it! Anyway, I was wondering if you would be interested in enjoying sexual contact with me tonight.)
NICOLE 6:47 PM
Hey Matt! Idk yet. We might go check out The Raisins, I heard they’re playing at the Wastement. How about you?
(Hey Matt, you must not remember what happened last Saturday night? Heavily intoxicated, you took me to get Taquitos with you. When we were in 7/11, you got in an argument with the clerk when he said that the Black Hawks sucked! Afterwards, you ate my Taquitos, a theft that normally wouldn’t bother me but the extra snack only made the stench of your breath worse when you kissed me on the cheek in front of Mathias. [I live in Loomis, silly!]Nevertheless, I found you entertaining and the thought of buying me food was charming [even though you subsequently stole it!], not to mention you are moderately handsome. Thus, I am willing to consider seeing you tonight, with or without Taquitos.)
MATT 6:50 PM
oh that sounds sweet…prolly just pregaming in my friend’s room and then going out
(I hate live music but if it’s what you want, I can endure. If I am going though, I will need to be completely wasted! My roommate and I are going to watch Lionel Messi free kick videos and take no fewer than four shots. Frank Ocean will be playing.)
NICOLE 7:11 PM
Sweet! Well let me know if you decide to go out!
(Ah. Your interest in alcohol is starting to turn me off. And Annika wants to invite the girls over and watch “Land Before Time.” It’s not looking good for you, Matt!)
MATT 9:46 PM
(I like really hope you can come out cuz I like really wanna see you. I have been thinking about making out with your face all night. *Burp* I bet this party would be less sweaty if you were here! Hmm... maybe I should get Taquitos.)
NICOLE 10:11 PM
(Hey Matt, as I predicted, it’s not looking good for you, buddy. Littlefoot just met Cera and Amy bought cookie dough from the C Store.)
MATT 10:13 PM
u comingt out??
(Is this like gonna happen or not? I’m super confused, like are we doing this thing or not? I like really really want Taquitos.)
NICOLE 10:32 PM
Uhh idk I’m feeling pretty tired, might just stay in.
(Definitely not. The misspelling and number of question marks indicates that you are drunk. Goddamnit Sharptooth! Quench your Taquito lust, Matthew.)
MATT 10:38 PM
but the Raisins are soooo good!!u shhld stop bye!
(I will never go to live music again. This is so sweaty! I just want to, like, see you not even to hookup I just like want to see you. I am so sweaty. Maybe we can get Taquitos?)
NICOLE 10:54 PM
Ah that sounds great but I gotta wake up early to write a paper! Think I’m gonna stay in.
(It’s really late and Smiley’s has half-priced pancakes before 9 a.m. on Sunday.)
MATT 10:55 PM
ahhhh Nicollleeee ill eat a taquitos for you!,
(ahhhh nicollleeee I’ll eat a taquito for you!)
Rod is home for the holidays and, to the displeasure of his mom, he went out with his friends on his first night home.
ROD 9:34 PM
Hey mom! Sry i didn’t pick up, we’re at a movie... should be home by midnight
(Mom, I can’t describe to you how high I am right now. I don’t think you would recognize my voice. Mario Kart is so fun. I have no intention of coming home tonight.)
MOM 9:37 PM
Okay sweetie luv u. how is Tommy?
(Thanks for getting back to me, sweetheart. But I think you might be high. You are a silly boy to lie to me.)
ROD 9:49 PM
(Who the hell is Tommy? Oh! I’m at Tommy’s house. Oh yes, he is very high and great.)
MOM 9:50 PM
Good 2 heare. So what is your plan for the night?? Ur lil sis rlly wants to see her brother!
(I’m glad to know that Tommy is doing well, but you must know I do not care! How about you come home now so I can look at those beautiful red eyes myself, you pothead!)
MOM 10:36 PM
Pls answer your phone.
(You are really stepping it up as a shithead. I met your father in college but even he wasn’t this bad.)
ROD 10:40 PM
Sorry mom! i think im gonna stay at hanson’s.. is that cool? i will hangout with Jess tomorrow i rpromise.. ill text her
(So Ryan came over and he brought his new bong. We’ve been on Rainbow Road for like 45 minutes. Bowser is a chiller. I just want to shrink to like 4 inches, grow a mustache, put on overalls, and hop around like Mario. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha how funny would that be? Holy shit I can’t breathe; I’m laughing too hard. About coming home, I think it is in the interest of everyone [you, me, other drivers] for me to stay here. And Mrs. Hanson makes the dopest waffles! Mmhmm I can’t wait. Yummy yummy. I’m pretty sure this text took me 15 minutes to compose—hope it makes sense!)
MOM 10:41 PM
Fine, honey but u know that i always want a plan. see u in the morning.
(You may have won the battle, son, but I promise you will fall in the war. See me in the morning, and my wrath will rain down on you!)
ROD 10:56 PM
sounds good. good night!,
(Dearest mother, how are you this clueless. Score! The Hansons have frozen Cinnarolls #latenightmunchies!)
Neal and Connor are buddies. They are considering going to the gym to play some basketball.
NEAL 3:13 PM
yo u wanna ball?
CONNOR 3:23 PM
Yeah in a little bit i gotta do some stuff.
(Not really, but my masculine ego can’t refuse the invitation to duke it out with our jump shots. I was going to masturbate, give me a minute.)
NEAL 3:27 PM
word well i have to be somewhere at 5 so we should go soon... what do u have to do?
(Good to hear, Connor. But there’s a talk on T.S. Eliot at 5:30 and I want to get good seats. Are you masturbating by chance?)
CONNOR 3:32 PM
Hw... what’s at 5?
(Masturbating. Do you have to masturbate at 5?)
NEAL 3:35 PM
hw at 3:30 on a Friday?? dude you’re definitely masturbating... Sam and I were gonna go pick up for tonight
(You are surely masturbating, but it’s okay, because my “pick-up” story is a ruse for my intellectual curiosity, about which I am a bit embarrassed! I’m going with Caitlin, the girl from our FYE with a 4.0.)
CONNOR 3:38 PM
Hahahaha nah man I handed in a late assignment and my teacher told me I could do a one page-writeup of a current event to make up for it. Oh word. What are you gonna get?
(Yes! I am masturbating. You know me too well, Neal. I have a hunch about your commitment at 5 though!)
NEAL 3:40 PM
idk prolly a fifth of fireball and Genesse and some Seagram’s I’m feeling G and T’s
(All I want is to hear “The Wasteland.” Is that too much to ask? T.S. Eliot’s favorite drink was a gin martini.)
CONNOR 3:43 PM
Cool man well I'll text you when I’m heading over.
(See you soon, liar. Now let me masturbate!)
NEAL 3:48 PM
word sounds good
(He has no idea!)