Searching for Endless Dicks

A satisfying (auditory) experience

by Lucinda Jaffe; illustrations by Andrea More

1. Endless Dicks is a band.

2. Their SoundCloud tags include “Weinercore.”

3. Their original lineup included One Dick (vocals and guitar), Two Dick (bass), Red Dick (guitar) and Jew Dick (keyboard).

4. Jew Dick has since been replaced by “Ringo.”

5. Every member, save for Two Dick, attends CC.

6. One Dick and Red Dick are both six-and-a- half feet tall.

7. If they stood on top of each other, they would be thirteen feet tall.

8. Ringo is five-and-a-half feet tall.

9. I don’t know what Two Dick looks like because he lives in Denver and doesn’t have a webcam. Talking to him on Skype was like an episode of “Catfish.”

10. One Dick and Two Dick met in high school when Two Dick saw One Dick hitting people with banana peels at lunch.

11. Endless Dicks formed when One Dick and Two Dick wanted to play their high school’s Battle of the Bands and be the worst band there.

12. They ripped their shirts off and played a song called “Avocado Extravaganza: A Work in Two Movements.”

13. For the first movement, they hit avocados with drumsticks while screaming.

14. For the second movement, they hit the avocados rhythmically while humming the sea shanty “Friggin’ in the Riggin.”

15. They weren’t the worst band at Battle. This was partly due to One Dick’s solo acoustic set, in which he exclusively strummed an E minor chord.

16. Endless Dicks released a vinyl EP on New Year’s 2014 called “Endless Dicks.”

17. “Endless Dicks” contains 13 songs, featuring dissonant flute solos and lyrics like “Excuse me while I dick the sky.”

18. The acoustic guitar parts were played with a guitar pick that once belonged to The Edge, the guitarist in U2.

19. The man who mastered the vinyl also hand- carved dicks onto the inner groove.

20. The album art of “Endless Dicks” features a minimalistic line that spreads across the cover. (It’s a dick.)

21. The back of the sleeve elaborates where the dick starts and ends. It portrays a naked man with a paper bag over his head. The dick starts at his crotch, and it ends by going back into his ass. So his dick is a circle. Also known as an endless dick.

22. Each record is hand-numbered as “46/100.”

23. There were about 120 copies pressed.

24. “Endless Dicks” plays with the creative possibilities of the vinyl medium in the style of Jack White’s latest LP, “Lazzaretto.”

25. For example, the two sides of the record play at different speeds.

26. On one side, there’s a runoff groove where they all scream for a split second. On the other side, there’s a locked groove of silence.

27. One Dick and I have discussed suing Jack White.

28. Rather than selling their album for profit, the members of Endless Dicks hide their album in record stores.

29. Couriers have brought “Endless Dicks” to cities like Houston, Portland and Boston.

30. Endless Dicks has released two Christmas EPs.

31. One Dick: “The latest Endless Dicks Christmas album was recorded on my phone, and it sounds pretty good! I guess our music has no dynamic range.”

32. One Dick, Ringo and Red Dick are also part of an ever-revolving collective called Goiter.

33. Mayo Clinic: “Goiter (GOI-tur) is an abnormal enlargement of your thyroid gland.”

34. One Dick: “Goiter is a gang.”

35. Goiter played Battle of the Bands on Thursday, March 6th, 2014 at 9 p.m.

36. The musicians wore swim goggles, made the audience say “The Pledge of Allegiance,” created feedback with a didgeridoo and claimed to be sponsored by Arby’s.

37. They smashed several televisions and a watermelon.

38. Sophomore Eboni Statham, one of last year’s Battle managers: “We had to clean it up. It wasn’t cool. Watermelon and carpet do not mix.”

39. In reality, Goiter cleaned up everything they smashed.

40. One Dick: “We did everything except steam-clean the carpet.”

41. Goiter signed up as five different bands to take up as much Battle time as possible.

42. Some of these bands included Donut Wilson, Limp Bisquick and Hank Williams All Star Country Star Jam Band Tribute Band.

43. The sound people turned off the micro phones in the middle of the Donut Wilson set.

44. Battle audience members cast their votes using on-site laptops loaded to SurveyMonkey. Some of my friends copied the URL, went home and voted for Goiter 100 times.

45. Goiter did not make it to the next round.

46. One Dick: “I have a theory about those student bands that actually get to play at Llama. They’re like, ‘We play funk, hip-hop, soul, classic rock and jazz.’ But all that means is, ‘We sound like Phish, but nowhere near as good’.”

47. Ringo: “Goiter is just to fuck with people. People react in various ways, like walking out, by laughing, or accosting us. One girl stayed after the show and said that we were terrible musicians, and it hurt my feelings. It wouldn’t now. But I guess we’re asking for our feelings to be hurt.”

48. Also: “I think if you can make people really like or really hate your music, that’s good. If it’s something in between, then you haven’t accomplished anything. It’s all about extremes.”

49. There are four Goiter albums that fewer than 10 people have ever heard.

50. Endless Dicks played their first show over the summer at the Black Sheep.

51. They opened for high school kids and learned all the songs 20 minutes before the show.

52. Ringo: “I expected four or five people to be here. We were really nervous before the show so we went and got some tacos and we were like, ‘What if we get booed off stage?’ But we got 50 people moshing. And they cheered—a decent response for a completely unknown band. I’ve been in serious projects with more rehearsal that got a worse response.”

53. Red Dick: “I would stay backstage until there was a guitar solo, and then I’d come out and play it.”

54. “I also sprayed the audience with dick- shaped confetti out of a vacuum.”

55. There were two inflatable penises at the show. Ringo: “One Dick, I think, has a thing with dicks.”

56. One Dick and Ringo have their own project called Lin3@r Thym3sq@@pes, pronounced “Linear Timescapes.”

57. They played at Battle in 2013. One Dick played with a keyboard app on his phone and Ringo played drums. By the end, there were only two girls in the audience. They said they were on ecstasy.

58. Endless Dicks is working on a rock opera inspired by the Protomen. One Dick: “We sat down and stream-of-consciousness wrote a plot and didn’t go back and correct any thing. It’s called “The Tail of Randy”…we’re thinking about subtitling it “In the Front.” So it’s like a dick.”

59. Randy is the name of the doodle with a paper bag on his head who stars in the Endless Dicks artwork.

60. Two Dick: “[The opera is] based on a true tale of Randy Bonerparte being possessed by Bonerzilla, the god of boners. I was once possessed by Bonerzilla…I have since been exorcised.”

61. “The Tail of Randy” is said to be at least two hours long.

62. Future plans for Endless Dicks include making a “Music to Relax Your Dog” album featuring profane rapping over MIDI dog noises.

63. They plan to distribute this album in Trader Joe’s.

64. They also have plans to record a 20 minute song with Goiter called “Massive Intestinal Discomfort (Part 1).”

65. Ringo: “I know One Dick did Endless Dicks in high school to mess around with people, but I don’t think he would have continued doing that unless it meant something to him.”

66. Fine music by Endless Dicks is available at

67. Two Dick: “Buy our whole album, and then buy each individual song.”

68. During our interview, Two Dick confessed to legitimately enjoying the Backstreet Boys, Nickelback and the Ying Yang Twins.

69. Endless Dicks and Goiter are both playing at Battle of the Bands this year.